How to Provide Advice in a Helpful Way

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This blog’s insight gave credits to my discussion with Helen. One of the most common criticisms of Asian parenting is the lack of unconditional encouragement.

Imagine a Chinese student scoring 90 out of 100 on a final exam—a solid achievement by most standards. Yet, in many cases, this student might face one of two responses. The harsher type of parent might immediately focus on the lost 10 points, saying things like, “Why can others score higher than 90, but you can’t?” or “Do you realize how many people will outscore you in the Gaokao (the Chinese College Entrance Exam) if you keep losing points like this?” The more considerate type of parent might start with a brief compliment, “You did a good job,” but then quickly pivot to a debriefing session: “Now, let’s analyze why you missed those 10 points. Can you be less careless next time?”

Both types of parents believe they’re acting out of love and doing what’s best for their child. In Chinese culture, pride is often seen as a slippery slope to complacency, and complacency is viewed as one of the most dangerous mindsets. So, these parents feel an almost moral obligation to nip any signs of pride in the bud. They fear that if they don’t, they’ll be failing to prepare their child for the future.

But let’s be honest—what are the odds that the child will actually take this advice to heart and become less careless in the future? The chances are slim to none. If the child is proud of their achievement, they’re likely in a celebratory mood, eager to share their success with their parents out of love and a desire for validation. If your child no longer shares their successes with you, that’s a clear sign of a deeper issue in your relationship—don’t doubt that.

As a parent, the best course of action in this moment is simple: celebrate with your child. Why? Because your “constructive feedback” won’t be valued or even heard. The child will either ignore or resent the advice, resent you for pouring cold water on their happiness, or even start to dislike the project itself because it brought them no sense of achievement.

If you want someone to improve at anything, you must first build a positive reinforcement loop. This includes offering genuine, unconditional praise when they succeed. If you truly want your child to get better, save the constructive feedback for a setting where they themselves acknowledge that their performance was below expectations. It’s even better if your child comes to you seeking advice after things go wrong—but that level of trust requires a solid foundation.

What I’ve said here doesn’t just apply to parenting—it applies to the workplace and all human interactions. Providing advice is an art that requires careful consideration of how, when, and where you do it. Dumping advice without regard for the situation might make you feel like you’re being honest, objective, and promoting a growth mindset. But in reality, you’re just satisfying a didactic craving and reflecting a sense of arrogance. Most of the time, people aren’t in the right frame of mind to receive feedback, and your untimely advice will only backfire.